Discontent can be with anything and anyone – a boss about anything that bothers us at work, a doctor about our care, a coach about our progress, our relationships about a million things!
How to voice discontent effectively is something I wish I learned in school – it would have saved me much trial, error & pain!
Early in my career I voiced my discontent with the same eloquence as a bull in a china shop on speed!
I quickly learned this wasn’t going to work.
I naively thought if I just spoke up for myself and highlighted what I wasn’t happy with, I would get the change I wanted.
Not true.
Over decades of voicing discontent I learned l what didn’t work which led me to learn what did work.
Below are tips & tricks on effective ways to voice discontent that result in the best outcome (mostly).
1. BEFORE VOICING DISCONTENT
💎 Understand why you feel like you do and work through it
What exactly happened that you are unhappy about?
What part of what happened are you unhappy about?
Why are you unhappy?
What is the ONE THING you will voice discontent about?
It’s very important to have crystal clarity on exactly what you are voicing discontent about.
If you say something vague like ‘I’m unhappy about everything’ or ‘I’m just unhappy’ it makes it very hard to have a productive conversation and even harder to achieve a resolution.
💎 Have one goal that you want to achieve.
What one goal do you want to get from this conversation?
Having more than one goal makes it difficult to get anything to change.
One goal keeps the conversation focused on one specific thing and one outcome.
2 VOICING DISCONTENT
Keep it short, simple and focused on your one goal.
The conversation could go something like this in 3 short sentences,
• This is what I’ve observed
• This is what I’m not happy about it
• This is what I want – one goal
💎 Be firm & assertive yet respectful & calm.
Anything else will diminish your chances of success
💎 There is no need to apologise at any stage.
You have nothing to apologise for and it sets the incorrect tone for getting what you want.
Apologising gets you off on the wrong foot and suggests you are in someway at fault – you are not.
💎 Be curious not critical.
Curiosity is an excellent place to start a hard conversation. Asking the person questions about their perspective not only gives them a chance to speak but also gives you the opportunity to learn more before voicing discontent.
Being asked questions will put the other person at ease which will make the conversation flow better.
Being critical usually shuts people down even if it is disguised as ‘constructive criticism’.
Criticism is criticism and it mostly gets people’s backs up.
💎 Steer clear of making it personal.
Making your discontent personal will not end well.
Instead focus on the process of what happened and/or what you are trying to change.
Focusing on the process and not the person leads to a much more pleasant, open and fruitful conversation.
💎 Have facts but don’t overload the conversation with them.
It’s good to have facts & figures but don’t turn the conversation into a verbal powerpoint presentation.
Sometimes it’s enough to have facts & figures in your back pocket if you are asked about them.
💎 Keep to facts not feelings.
Your feelings are your own responsibility so don’t cloud the conversation with them.
I’m an Enneagram 4 (the emotional one) and have learned the hard way that emotions should be kept out of all hard conversations.
You can vocalise your emotions without being driven by them.
For example you can say – ‘I am angry at’ or ‘I am upset at’ without being angry and upset during the conversation.
TOP TIP:
I have also learned the hard way that articulating emotions instead of showing them is a very powerful tool.
For example you can CALMLY say ‘I am absolutely furious about…’ which can be very powerful in a conversation.
However if you say that like a furious warrior preparing for battle then it quickly loses it’s power!
Articulating emotion is much more powerful than showing emotion!
3. AFTER VOICING DISCONTENT
Be prepared to be challenged.
If you are voicing discontent, chances are you will be challenged.
No matter how you are challenged, keep your eye on your one goal.
The challenges you receive may be,
😡 Gaslighting – where someone tries to deny or distort your reality which can lead to you questioning your own reality.
😡 Deflection – where someone changes the subject or instead of listening to your discontent, they voice discontent with something you have said/done
😡 Blame – where someone blames you for what you are voicing discontent about
😡 Indifference – where someone doesn’t care about you or your discontent. They probably won’t come out and say they don’t care but you will feel it in your gut
These challenges are not helpful and will make the conversation even harder and chances of a resolution will be slim. Personally I wouldn’t spend too much time in the company of anyone who challenges me in the above ways.
What is helpful is
💚 Acceptance – where someone listens to you, sees your point of view and wants to support you to evaluate your one goal.
They don’t need to agree with you and your perspective but that doesn’t matter from once they accept your discontent and support you to evaluate your one goal!
After this conversation you will either achieve your one goal or you won’t. Either way, you have done your best and your influencing skills have improved as a result of that.
❤️ How do you voice discontent?
🧡 Do you have one goal?
💚 Is your discontent met with acceptance?
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Thanks for reading
Siobhain
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Here’s a reminder of Susan Jeffer’s amazing book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway that can help you feel the fear and do it anyway when voicing discontent.
