Image Credit: Madhuri Gupta
The Kubler-Ross model was first introduced to the world by Swiss American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book ‘Death and Dying’. The Kubler-Ross model initially explained the 5 stages of loss a person goes through when faced with a terminal illness or the loss of a loved one. In her posthumous published book, Kubler-Ross extended her model to include any form of loss such as loss of a job, loss of income, loss of health, loss of a relationship, basically loss of anything that has meaning to us. In this book a 6th stage was suggested which is the stage of Meaning.
The 6 stages of the Kubler-Ross model then became Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Meaning.
Through the years, the model has been widely accepted and adopted as emotions we feel not just when loss is experienced but when we go through significant change of any kind, – positive or challenging, wanted or unwanted, planned or unplanned.
The model, in various forms is widely used in business as a support system to successfully navigate organisational change. The model can also be used in terms of any personal change to understand why we feel what we feel during times of change.
Below are the 6 stages of the Kubler-Ross model in relation to the Covid-19 pandemic that we are all currently living through, by far the biggest change the world has ever seen on such a global scale in our lifetimes. In terms of the Covid-19 pandemic we are at the beginning of the changes that this virus has made and will make to our world. As the future for us all is so uncertain this a perfect time to utilise the Kubler-Ross model to understand the feelings we may be experiencing, based on the changes the pandemic has caused and will cause to our lives.
Stage 1 – Denial
The collective loss from Covid-19 has been on an epic scale and has affected every single person in the world and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
As the world continues to be in varying degrees of lockdown, social distancing and cocooning, feelings of denial may surface. The losses have been different for everyone – some people have lost their lives, of which there is no greater loss. On publishing this post, the death toll worldwide is over 200,000. This means 200,000 families have lost a loved one to Covid-19.
This loss of life is on an unimaginable scale and truly heartbreaking.
Kubler-Ross in her model explained that this first stage is one of shock and denial where time is needed to process the loss/change. It is normal at this time to feel that this is not happening, that somehow there has been a mistake, that what we are experiencing is not true. It is also normal to feel low energy and lack of motivation for anything. This can be a short lived stage moving on to the next stage quickly or people can remain in this stage for a long time making it harder to move to the next stage.
At this relatively early stage of Covid-19, a lot of people have lost jobs, incomes, businesses and we have all lost some element of freedom and miss spending precious time with our loved ones. In this stage it is not uncommon for people to lay blame with someone/something and cling to a false, preferred reality. Whatever loss you have experienced due to Covid-19 or anything else in life, do know that feelings of denial are normal and a natural part of the process we need to go through to accept and ultimately thrive in a new reality.
Stage 2 – Anger
When the loss or change is finally realised and denial is no longer an option, anger sets in. Anger at the loss, anger at the unknown future that lies ahead and anger at the entire situation. This is a stage of anger at oneself, anger at others and anger with life in general. People can be irritated, frustrated, negative, short tempered and can feel like they are a victim during this stage. Usually during this stage the future is most uncertain.
In terms of the Covid-19 pandemic this is very true, no-one knows what will happen with the virus and no-one knows what the future holds for our lives, our jobs, our economy, our families and what level of ‘normal life’ we will return to.
Kubler-Ross in her studies (supported by subsequent findings) noted that some people can alternate between denial and anger for some time which makes sense in the current Covid-19 situation as the future is so unknown. Anger is a well recognised emotion of loss/change and is an important part of the human emotional spectrum. When managed effectively, anger can support us and help us to move to the next stage of the Kubler-Ross model.
Stage 3 – Bargaining
In the third stage of the Kubler-Ross model there is a hope that there could be another outcome to the reality of what is happening. For example in terms of job/income loss one might bargain by saying ‘I’ll never take my job/income for granted again’. In terms of a business/relationship loss one might bargain by saying ‘I’ll spend more time on my business/relationship in the future’. Bargaining can take the form of many guises – anything that takes away the pain of the loss/change and in some way makes the loss/change seem less real.
In this stage we look for a better, more positive outcome because we do not want to accept or deal with reality.
Stage 4 – Depression
During this stage many negative emotions are felt – immense sadness, fear, regret, worry, doubt, confusion, orientation, causing low mood and low energy. People may become indifferent and reclusive, push people away and have no interest in or excitement about life itself or anything else that once gave meaning to their lives.
This is a stage of despair where there seems to be little or no light at the end of the tunnel.
Awareness of this stage goes a long way to working through these emotions to move to the next stage. If you find yourself in this stage, reach out for help. There is so much support available to help you understand these feelings and work through this stage.
Stage 5 – Acceptance
In the penultimate stage there is a realisation that denial of, being angry at, bargaining with and being depressed about the loss/change will not make the situation any different. It is here in this stage that we stop resisting the situation and accept it completely. We may not be happy with the new situation but we accept it nonetheless which is crucial to enable us to move forward.
The new situation we find ourselves in becomes the ‘new normal’, routines are rebuilt, everything starts to become second nature and there seems to be not just light but happiness, contentment, fulfillment and optimism for the future at the end of the tunnel.
Previous feelings of sadness, fear, regret, worry, doubt, confusion, orientation and low energy diminish and are replaced by forward thinking, confidence, excitement, engagement, optimism with high energy and hope for the future. As positive as this stage may sound, there is still work to be done as planning for the new future can cause worry, doubt and confusion.
By learning about and and using the Kubler-Ross model we may want to skip all of the previous stages and get to the acceptance stage as it seems like a nicer, more pleasant, easier place to be. However this is not possible, every stage of the Kubler-Ross model fulfills a purpose that ultimately allows acceptance. No matter how dark the tunnel may seem, there is always light and much more than you can imagine at the other end.
In terms of Covid-19, we don’t know what the future holds and so all we can do is accept the current situation which is different for all of us at the moment.
‘We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.‘
Charles Swindoll
Stage 6 – Meaning
In this final stage, the loss/change has been accepted, the ‘new normal’ created has been accepted and this ‘new normal’ starts to take on meaning. Life starts to feel normal again and plans start to take shape for the future. As the ‘new normal’ becomes more enjoyable and has more meaning, people can start to look back at the journey of loss/change that they have come through. Learnings from this change cycle can be evaluated and understood that will support us when the next wave of change comes our way. We evolve and grow from every change in our lives, how much we evolve and grow is very much in our control.
If you want to learn more about having meaning in life, I highly recommend Viktor Frankl’s book ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’.
This book is absolutely life changing and gives meaning to meaning!!!!
Viktor E. Frankl was professor of neurology and psychiatry at the University of Vienna medical School until his death in 1997. His 32 books have been translated into 26 languages. During World War II he spent 3 years in Auschwitz, Dachau and other concentration camps.
‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ is Frankl’s recollection of his time in the concentration camps where everything was taken from him yet he still managed to find meaning to his life. This book is not just a holocaust survivor story, it is a brilliant masterpiece of hope, resilience, survival and an insight into the depths of the human strength that we all carry within us. This book reminds us that no matter how hard life gets, no matter what gets thrown at us or taken from us, as long as we are still alive we can always choose to bring meaning to our lives.
We may not move through the Kubler-Ross model in a linear fashion or step by step, instead we may move through the model in a random order, going back and forth between each stage with each stage lasting a different length of time. We are all unique, we all live unique lives and so we all experience loss/change differently. The Kubler-Ross model is a support system that can help you move from stage to stage and reassure you that what you feel is completely normal.
There is and always will be light at the end of every tunnel.
I hope you and your families are safe and well and that your ‘Change Curve’ due to Covid-19 or anything else isn’t too steep,
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Thanks for reading,
Siobhain
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